Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Screaming Through The Holiday Cheer




Are you ready for endless war? Generations of conflict? No? Well, tough shit, kids, 'cause Santa's coming down the chimney with a sack full of weapons and explosives, aided by your local Marine or Army recruiter who wants to sign your 8-year-old up for active duty the second he or she hits 18. That's if you're poor or slightly middle class, of course. If you're at all wealthy, live in the "right" neighborhood, know the "right" people, your kid is safe. No fighting whatever Islamic faction happens to be the enemy down the road for them. That's what an underclass is for.

I have a sick feeling that the resistance to this madness is going to get pretty nasty in due course. And don't count on our dear friends the Democrats to do anything about it -- they are openly cheering Bush on and talking about putting a million bodies in uniform. I hope that my liblogging buddies are finally waking up to this dreadful reality, but just in case they're still dreaming sweet dreams about all the wonderful things the Dems are going to deliver in '07, and especially in '08, allow me to raise my voice for a moment.

ATTENTION MULES! THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY IS A PARTY OF WAR, DESTRUCTION AND GREED! THEY WANT TO USE YOUR KIDS AS FODDER FOR THEIR BLOODSHED! AND THERE IS NO END IN SIGHT! OBAMA WILL NOT SAVE YOU! SO WAKE THE FUCK UP, GET OFF YOUR ASS, AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Sorry about that. Generally, I'm an easy going guy. But with a ten-year-old son, soon to turn 11, to think about, and watching these criminals plan for more chaos and agony, expecting my boy to sign on, I tend to come unhinged. And I trust this will become worse as the years drag on.

Oh, and did you see more evidence of the progress made in Iraq? I'm talking, of course, about the recent spate of public hangings that took place in Baghdad. Now, it's true that Saddam hanged his share of captives, but he did so in private. Very dictatorial. In the new Free Iraq, captives are hanged on TV, the footage of which is given to foreign outlets so the whole world can watch! Aren't you proud to see American kids die for this? I know the Dems must be pleased as punch, given their love of the death penalty.

"Hey, angry Son! Where's the holiday good cheer you promised us!"

I know. I'm trying. Lord knows I'm trying.

Let me turn to sports for a moment. As I'm sure many of you know, there was a brawl in Madison Square Garden Sunday night, when the New York Knicks felt that the Denver Nuggets were running up the score in a game the Nuggets had under wraps.



Many players were suspended, most prominently Carmelo Anthony, the NBA's leading scorer, who cannot suit up for 15 games. Good thing Allen Iverson is now going to Denver. The Answer will help fill that gap until Melo returns. AI is not shy when it comes to launching shots.

What sickened me about the brawl was not so much the on-court violence, since fights happen in sports (which serve, after all, as a substitute for war), but the commentary afterward, primarily on sports talk radio. When there is fighting in NASCAR or in the National Hockey League, the thick-headed white men who make up the bulk of the sports radio audience either dismiss it, joke about it, or in some cases, revel in it. Why? Because those are white-dominated sports, and when two or more white guys fight, there's no soul searching, no calls for civilized behavior. But when there is fighting in the NBA . . . you know the rest. And listening to the barely-veiled racist reasoning by hosts and audience alike, one is reminded that tribalism is still very much a part of us, and that Michael Richards is hardly alone. The hatred and envy thrown at African-American athletes by these white pukes is pretty fucking disgusting and hypocritical, but that's your average American sports fan. Somebody ought to write a book about that . . .

Enough. Let's get to the clips.

Here's a short piece from Showtime's "The Underground", Damon Wayans' sketch show, which resembles "Mad TV" a bit too much for my taste (and having "Mad TV" reg Aries Spears in the cast makes this comparison inevitable). Still, like "Mad", "The Underground" has some funny moments, like this Jackie Chan parody, featuring Groundlings vet Mikey Day as Chan, and Wayans as Chris Tucker.



And since I'm clearly in a slapstick mood, and mentioned Michael Richards, here's an early "Fridays" sketch that pretty much explains itself, and anticipates one of the funniest scenes in "Borat" by a quarter century. Incredible timing and precision for live TV. With Mark Blankfield as the luckless patient.



Of course, as Lucille Ball proved, women are equally adept at physical comedy. Here's the always great Amy Sedaris from "Exit 57", with Jodi Lennon as her "customer."



Finally, from the "SNL" Christmas show, 1977, Elvis Costello's infamous semi-hijacking of a live broadcast. Not terribly mind-blowing, but back then it was a big deal, and Lorne Michaels apparently feared that Costello was about to shout racist epithets, since that's what Lorne believed punk rock to be all about. (Yes, young readers -- Elvis Costello was considered "punk" back in the day; and yes, a couple of years later, he had his own racist incident for which he atoned.) Wonder what would've transpired had the original musical guest, the Sex Pistols, appeared. Could you imagine Johnny Rotten and Sid Vicious on live American TV? In any event, Costello filled in admirably, and this version of "Radio Radio" kicks ass.