Bloggers For Rent

"So, you support the Senator's positions on matters vital to this great nation?"

"Yes. Absolutely."

"Umm hmm. I see that you are one of the more popular liberal bloggers in the country."

"A lot of people seem to agree with what I say."

"Yes, well, that's all very nice and 'democratic,' but this is a much bigger stage. The stakes are not only higher, they affect whether or not our country survives over the next four-to-eight years."

"I know. What Bush has done is disgus---"

"Save that talk for your coffeehouse friends. To be perfectly frank, the Senator doesn't have that many problems with the President. Oh, sure, he looks down on the man's intellect -- wait'll you hear his Bush impression, it's a hoot -- but the Senator and the President share many of the same interests. By the way, you are pro-capitalist, right?"

"Uh, yeah."

"I mean, you're not one of those starry-eyed socialist types, are you?"

"I suppose not."

"Good. The last thing we need in this campaign is any of that warmed-over Sixties crap."

"I agree, but isn't the Senator concerned with economic justice for the working poor?"

[Stifles a laugh] "You are young, aren't you? Listen, and get this straight in your wooly head: the Senator is looking for votes wherever he can find them. Our competitors are serious players, so we need all the support we can get. Besides, polls show that a good many Americans want better working conditions, affordable health care and a future for their kids. That's a big market, my young friend. Lots of votes in that demographic."

"You mean he doesn't really care about the poor?"

"I'm sorry -- are you interviewing for an internship at The Nation?"

"No, it's just --"

"Look, the Senator does have some genuine interest for those less fortunate, especially if it helps him politically. But the man is running for president, and there are other people to think about, people who have clout and want things done a certain way."

"Wow. I kinda feel disillusioned."

"Welcome to the real world, kid."

"The Senator seems so nice."

"He can be, when the conditions call for it. It's part of his appeal, according to our polling."

"So, if you hire me for the campaign, what exactly would I do?"

"We want some online cred without any of that Deaniac bullshit. You and the others we're considering are tapped into that crowd. They like you. They trust you. We can use that to our advantage, but there are a few things we need to get clear."

"Like what?"

"Should the Senator openly support a US attack on Iran, would you have a problem with that?"

"I dunno."

[Snaps fingers] "HELLO! ADULT WORLD CALLING!"

"Wouldn't an attack be counterproductive?"

"Oh, I see -- you want to be the Senator's SECRETARY OF FUCKING STATE!"

"No, but --"

"This is a professional team, kid. We're in the biggest game there is. Either you're in the trenches attacking the enemy, or you're back home tapping your little peacenik posts for the other losers."

"I want to help. Honestly."

"Then you will stand by the Senator and support him on our blog no matter what. Got that?"

"Yes."

"Okay. What else . . . Should the Senator be embarrassed by anything you've written up 'til now, he will publicly disapprove of your opinions and expect you to apologize in turn. Does that stick in your throat?"

"I could do that."

"And throw in some lines about how you 'respect' everybody's beliefs and all that jazz?"

"Sure. No problem."

"Gooood. The kid's starting to come around."

"I mean, it's all show, right? We have to pretend that we're sorry about offending people, but privately, we couldn't care less."

"Because . . ?"

"All we really care about is grabbing power and will do or say anything to make that happen?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

"I'm telling you!"

"Excellent! Welcome aboard!

"Cool! Thanks!"

"One more thing -- get on your hands and knees and start licking my shoes."

"Heels and soles, too?"

"Your choice. Be creative."