Make Your Own Enemies List

Gotta love David Horowitz. The guy never quits. Hour by hour he battles America's Real Enemies, y'know, those who didn't vote for Bush, or worse, who publicly criticize him and his cronies. It's a profitable racket, and judging from Horowitz's latest venture, a fun one as well.

Who doesn't enjoy compiling an Enemies List? All that scum you secretly wish would be thrown into a damp cell and beaten Abu Ghraib-style. A very American pastime, and Horowitz is nothing if not a True Red American.

His Discover The Network site presumes to "expose" the nefarious and vast Left Wing Threat to our national survival. Horowitz's busy staffers have scoured every source they could lay their hands on, and the result is downright hilarious. (I especially recommend the Individuals and Media lists -- click on the pix and enjoy!) And as is always the case with anything Horowitz does, there are numerous factual errors (John Candy did not die while making Michael Moore's "Canadian Bacon" -- he died on the Mexican set of his last movie, "Wagons East") and outright fabrications (the requisite smearing of Noam Chomsky is of course included, leavened with Holohoax charges by the far-right nut Werner Cohn). But hey, why allow reality to get in the way of the fun?

Horowitz doesn't stop at politics: he revels in personal attacks and will publish pretty much anything. I admire his chutzpah. In fact, his new site has inspired me to begin one of my own. Consider the following a work-in-progress, a sketch if you will. And if the MacArthur people are reading this, a modest stipend would go a long way to help me finish my project.

David Horowitz



Former Black Panther groupie turned right wing panhandler.
Claims that conservatives are suppressed by liberals.
Even though the Princeton college paper ran one of his ads, Horowitz refused to pay for it because the paper's editors ran a critical editorial next to it.
Believes that opposition to the Patriot Act is treason.
Believes that opposition to any Republican administration is treason.
Believes that opposition to any American war is treason.
Believes that refusal to spell TREASON in all caps is treason.
Routinely asks bus boys, cab drivers and janitors for their Green Cards.
Drools when he speaks.

Ann Coulter



Right wing columnist and TV talk show character.
Calls for the US to bomb all Muslim countries and force the survivors to become Christians.
Said that she wished that Timothy McVeigh had car bombed the New York Times building instead.
Regularly calls for the deaths of American journalists.
Berated a paralyzed Vietnam vet for "losing" the war.
Believes that all liberals are traitors.
Makes a citizen's arrest of every dark-skinned person she sees.
Attends public functions on the arms of fascist homosexuals.
Has eaten human flesh.

Bill O'Reilly



Right wing talk show blowhard.
Routinely makes up stories where he's a masculine action hero.
Shouts down guests who disagree with him, oftentimes cutting their microphones.
Throws tantrums when challenged or has his "facts" corrected.
Supports the carpet bombing of Third World countries.
Brags about engaging in phone sex.
Charged with sexual harassment by a former female colleague.
Known to run through the Fox News offices wearing a cape and making siren noises.
Challenges children to fights.

Christopher Hitchens



Former Trotskyite turned neoconservative propagandist.
Said he felt "exhilaration" after watching the Twin Towers collapse on 9/11.
Revises his arguments as they are disproved, making them fit "new realities."
Calls anyone who disagrees with him an "Islamofascist."
Supports the foreign corporate domination of Iraq.
Slanders former friends and snitches for political gain.
Leaves cryptic and threatening messages on strangers' voice mails.
Crashes other people's speaking events and heckles them from the audience.
As an act of public defiance, smokes cigarettes in emphysema wards.
Regularly attends and wagers heavily on bum fights.

Dennis Miller



Right wing stand-up comic and host of a low-rated cable show.
Rabid Bush apologist.
Supports US invasions of various Middle Eastern countries, including Iran.
Advocated that the US drop a nuclear bomb on North Korea.
Referred to North Koreans as "zipperheads."
Condones the torture of people not charged with any crime, sometimes using them as punch lines to weak jokes.
Keeps a jar of live beetles on his desk, crushing them with his hand to show his staffers "who's boss."
During commercial breaks, pretends he's a fighter pilot and tells his studio audience that they're "collateral damage."
Signs autographs with chicken blood.