Sunday, February 20, 2005

The List Grows

So many terrible people doing horrible things. Once you really dive into the shit, you see just how nightmarish it all is. Screams. Murderous insanity. Blood-choked confessions. Bodies everywhere. Rough stuff. Sometimes the will just isn't up to the task.

Yet, the work must -- will -- continue. Ambrose Bierce had his Devil's Dictionary. Call this my Catalogue of the Damned.

Alan Keyes

Far right commentator and failed public office seeker.
Favors a religio-fascist society where the state determines what is decent and obscene.
Supported the Vietnam War while in college, but used student deferments to avoid combat.
Opposed sanctions against South Africa's apartheid regime, but regularly calls anyone who disagrees with him "racist."
Public defender of South African-backed Angolan terrorist Jonas Savimbi, whose UNITA cell slaughtered Angolan civilians and shot down UN-chartered planes.
Compares doctors who perform and women who receive abortions to al-Qaeda.
Virulent anti-queer bigot. Disowned his daughter when she came out as a lesbian.
Believes that God exists in a piece of felt he waves at opponents during debates.
Has been seen in public crawling on all fours, yelling, "What time is it? IT'S KEYES TIME!"
Beats dogs with a cane in order to instill "Christian discipline."

Jonah Goldberg

National Review editor, talk show windbag, son of Lucianne Goldberg.
Used his mother's notoriety in the Monica Lewinksy scandal to become a public figure.
Offers semi-digested thoughts and ignorant statements as political and philosophical truths.
Compares the UN to Hitler, Stalin and Hamas.
Avowed McCarthyite.
Believes that France hates America because the French hate Jews.
Revels in public embarrassment. Attacks intellectual betters with flimsy arguments, then whines and plays victim when he is taken apart in return.
Ultra-pro-war cheerleader who refuses to enlist, hiding behind his family and citing physical "problems."
Worked as a belly dancer while in college.
Suffers from extreme halitosis, causing many to gag in his presence.
Believes that, while wise, the Founding Fathers "were probably fags."

Michelle Malkin

Syndicated right wing columnist and television freak show.
Daughter of Filipino immigrants who wrote a book bashing immigration.
Defends racial profiling and retroactively supports the internment of Japanese-American civilians during World War II.
Patriot Act booster who advocates for a reactionary, authoritarian state.
When not sliming liberal minorities for playing the race and victim cards, plays the race and victim cards when criticized.
Another rabid war lover who refuses to enlist.
Believes that those who oppose torture are "America haters."
Says that when discussing the 9/11 attacks, the American corporate media covers for al-Qaeda.
Suggested that there be a Torture & Deportation Olympics.
Can belch Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The USA."
Tips three percent in restaurants.

Charles Krauthammer

Smug neoconservative writer and imperial propagandist.
Ex-psychiatrist who blends psycho-babble with extreme nationalist statements.
Coined the term "Reagan Doctrine" to describe and celebrate that administration's state-sponsored terrorism.
Still defends his support for Osama Bin Laden in the 1980s.
Believes in US military hegemony. Favors smashing smaller, weaker countries.
Helped to write George W. Bush's second inaugural speech, but failed to disclose this connection when praising it on TV.
Seeks to dismantle Social Security.
Given to hallucinogenic rants at social gatherings, trapping guests for hours.
Collects pig fetuses and dresses them in military garb.
Shaves without water in order to "toughen" himself for perpetual war.

Armstrong Williams

Prominent African-Republican and Fox News marionette.
Yet another pundit-warrior who calls for extended bloodshed overseas.
Believes that the US should be a Christian Empire.
Extreme supporter of the Drug War. Has stated that alcohol should be illegal.
Anti-queer bigot.
Was handed $240,000 of taxypayers' money to push Bush's plan to privatize education. Failed to disclose this connection when arguing for privatization on TV and radio.
Was disgraced when this connection was finally made public. Lost his syndicated TV show. Newspapers dropped his column.
Initially took responsibility for his actions. Later blamed "lesbians and Satanists" for targeting him for "career genocide."
Seen walking around DC wearing a sandwich board that reads "Will shill anything for the low six figures."
Currently making ends meet by performing his Screamin' Jay Hawkins tribute at white GOP gatherings.

Next -- Heavier Media Hitters, Policy Makers, then the Real Meat.