Thursday, March 17, 2005

Miracle Spread

It's the latest fad -- liberals who dislike Bush (can't use "hate" -- too strong an emotion for liberals) are clearing their throats, shuffling their feet and acknowledging, semi-reluctantly, that maybe Dub "got it right" in Iraq.

"You gotta hand it to the guy," a local Dem recently told me as he scraped the Kerry/Edwards bumpersticker off his car, "he's really ushering in a new democratic age."

"I never thought I'd say this," said another local lib, adjusting the "W" pin on her brown tweed lapel, "but George Bush is a political god. He makes Lincoln look like Chester Arthur."

Genius. Giant. Visionary. Lord Of All That Moves. Yes, George W. Bush has it all goin' on. His glorious invasion and occupation of Iraq sent magic ripples across the Middle East, renewing oxygen levels and purifying the water. Anything good that happens is Bush's doing. He can rightly take credit for pretty much everything positive, no matter how inconsequential it might seem to lesser minds.

Faced with such life-changing phenomena, I decided to do some research on this magic ripple effect. After just an hour's work, it appears that Bush's miracle touch is altering far more than the once-grim features of the Arab world. Below is a partial list of things that can be directly attributed to the invasion of Iraq. (To list everything would take weeks. To read everything would kill you -- the intensity of goodness is that great.)

Liberals voting for the Bankruptcy Bill.

Mega-profits for the prosthetic limbs industry.

Dianne Feinstein groveling at Condi Rice's feet.

ChemLawn's guarantee to "produce a thicker, greener carpet of grass."

Paul Wolfowitz at the World Bank.

The commercial rise of gang bang DVDs.

Prison torture going mainstream.

The fall of Michael Jackson's regime.

Larry The Cable Guy's showbiz ascension.

American literacy rate dropping.

The Ten Commandments rebranded.

Fast food consumption now "patriotic."

Bush's re-election.