Monday, April 25, 2005


Fess up -- who wants to start the week plowing thru yet another partisan screed, more "Bush is stupid, Bush is a Nazi, Bush feasts on the still-beating hearts of Iraqi children" rants, and general political nastiness? Scientists wearing long white lab coats have proven that laughter is the best way to begin our five days of soul-crushing empty labor. Thus I humbly offer my contribution to modern science in the hopes that, maybe, somewhere, there's a person whose sad life will be, well, if not filled with mirth, perhaps touched by an angel who knows some really good jokes, 'cause frankly, I'm kinda burned out. But here goes anyway!


Seems there was this affable fellow whose fingers were stuck in a bowling ball. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't remove them. Even doctors were flummoxed. So, resigned to his fate, this cheerful chap went about his business with the aforementioned ball seemingly forever attached to his digits. Then, one day, this jolly Joe met a sassy young Sally and love began to bloom. Before long, our genial gent was so smitten that he asked for the lovely lass's hand in marriage. Surprised but happy, this beautiful Betty immediately accepted.

"And you don't mind that I have a bowling ball stuck to my fingers?" our heartfelt Harry inquired.

"You what?" asked the now anxious Annie.

"This bowling ball," said the flustered Fred, lifting his hand to eye level, "is stuck to my hand for the rest of my life."

"Gosh," said the backpedaling Belinda, "I never noticed that before. In that case, forget it."


Q: What do you call the last person standing in dodge ball?
A: Spry and Alert!


There once was a gym rat named Henna
Who could lift more weight than McKenna.
At night, after ten
She would lift more again,
Driving McKenna to swear a vendetta!


Boy: Why don't girls give wedgies?
Girl: Because the lack of a penis and scrotum makes it pointless.
Boy: I see.


Those who make a sweet living from being evil, that's who.


Metal Plate In The Head Musings
Bubonic Quicksand
Squirrels On My Roof Vex Me So
No Opinions And Even Less Enthusiasm
Holy Fuck You Scared The Shit Outta Me
Wubbity Wigga Wonga Sproog!
Read My Blog Or I'll Poop In Your Yard
Zapata's Gone So Stop Your Crying And Get On With Life


Lives at 1457 Glenn Oaks Court, Hampton, MO. Stay away from his place. Seriously. I mean it.


A young boy found a lamp on a beach. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, hoping that a genie would emerge and grant him three wishes:

1. Ten trillion dollars
2. The ability to fly and deflect bullets with a stare
3. All the White Castle cheeseburgers he could eat, forever

But nothing came out. The boy took the lamp home. For over a week he rubbed it, polished it, prayed before it, but still no genie. Finally, the boy decided that genies don't exist, threw the lamp away, and went to White Castle for some cheesburgers.

But inside the lamp, a genie was laughing his ass off. "Stupid kid," he said to himself.