It's Monday, and again, I don't have the energy to go after the domestic thugs, mugs, warmongers, mongwarriors, and assorted bloodthirsty loons who deep fry the flag, douse it with ketchup (pretending it's blood) and devour it with a side order of imperial fries (also doused, but with catsup, or "Blood II"). Not that I've given up doing that, 'cause I haven't. No sir. Uh uh. Got plenty of slap-downs up my sleeve, and more than a dozen sleeves after that. So don't get too relaxed.
Besides, I received several thumbs up for last Monday's post and thought to myself, "Hello, this may prove an interesting weekly diversion." So count on Monday being a day when you can sit back, take a break from Web porn, and enjoy the "lighter" side of Red State Son. At least until I run through all my rejected bits from "Politically Incorrect," "The Awful Truth," and "Antelope Freefall." After that, you're on your own.
THE BOY WITH THE BIGGEST HEAD EVER SEEN
"Wow!" marveled Tina. "That boy's got the biggest head I've ever seen!"
"Ditto!" concurred Gary. "That is indeed quite the large cranium!"
"D'ya think his brain is extra large, too?" asked Camille.
"Wouldn't surprise me!" answered Felix.
"I wonder if that boy is a super genius," wondered Karen.
"If he is, then all I've got to say is, get outta the way!" counseled Myron.
"Where do you think he buys his hats?" inquired Judy.
The others stared at her with opprobrium.
"That's just hateful," admonished Brian.
"Agreed," agreed Carla. "Why don't you leave before you make a bigger ass of yourself."
WHEN THE GULLS SPEAK
Most people will run in fear, abandoning their beach-front homes, convinced that after decades of gull abuse, these now-loquacious water birds will not only exact fierce revenge, but will taunt humans in the language of their ancestors.
But one human will stay behind to fool the gulls into giving up their plans for retribution. And the gulls will listen and be swayed. Because, no matter what language they speak, gulls are easily manipulated.
And that human's name? "Gulliver."
Take that, cynics!
A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT
And right into my basement. Good God, this is gonna cost me.
MOST IGNORED LABEL INSTRUCTIONS
Kick and Stomp Before Opening
Do Not Mix With Snow
Read Ingredient List Aloud in Public
Pour Slowly Or Suffer Greatly
Bake At 99 Degrees For 110 Minutes, Turning Every 30 Seconds
Si Está injerido En Bulto, Entonces Adiós, Usted Es Muerto
FUND DRIVE APPEALS
Death lurks, folks, so dig deep or have blood on your hands.
You want groveling? I can give you groveling. But wouldn't that just lessen the two of us?
Give generously and receive a gallon jug of delicious butterscotch pudding as our thanks to you!
Arson? Who said anything about arson?
We don't want your money. Your money stinks. That's right, I said stinks! Anyway, you probably don't have the kind of cash a decent person would pledge. Loser.
Give $500 or more, and be safe from identity theft!
A LOOK BACK
"You know honey, even with all the wickedness, rape, deceit, and endless cruelty, there really isn't a sweeter sight than Gomorrah at dusk."