Tuesday, April 26, 2005

A Message To Our Customers

The nightmare is over.

Thanks to the fine detective work of the Las Vegas and San Jose police departments, the woman who falsely claimed to find a human finger in a bowl of our delicious, low-fat chili has been arrested and will be extradited back to San Jose to face charges of grand theft.

Hat's off to you, boys!

Now, to our customers nationwide, but especially to those in the San Jose area, we say only this:


Seriously. You can't believe the hit we've taken. It's been brutal. Even our troops in Iraq returned several good will cases of our one-of-a-kind chili, saying they'd rather eat sand. So you see we're not exaggerating here.

Of course, we understand why many of you believed that woman really did find a human finger in our out-of-this-world chili. To be perfectly honest, we believed it at first, too. I mean, have you ever seen how our meat is processed? Trust us, it's not for the weak. The smell of fear. The screams of death. The floors covered with rotting entrails. And the blood. Good God, the blood. Five minutes in one of those slaughterhouses and you'd become a vegan for the rest of your life.

And let's not even start with the chickens.

Also, there are numerous blades to deal with at various levels of our food supply chain. It's inevitable that some human fingers are going to be severed, and that some of those digits will end up in our not-to-be-missed chili stock. Law of averages. So when we heard about this case in San Jose, we thought, "Well, we're due. Get the press release ready."

But, thankfully, it was a hoax.

Now, we're not saying that this won't happen again. And perhaps next time it will be for real. We're talking about the fast food industry, for God's sake. But at the moment, our fit-for-royalty chili is finger-free. So please, visit one of our outlets today and enjoy our sumptuous menu. Because even with human parts scattered here and there, we're still better than McDonald's and Burger King. And you don't want to know where they get their meat.