Tuesday, July 12, 2005

A New Hope

Greetings America!

Something is missing from our effort in Iraq -- apart from protective armor, that is!

But seriously, given the many problems our soldiers and Marines face in this war, and with military recruitment at an all time low, something special is needed and needed now. When you look back at all of our previous conflicts, invasions, incursions, police actions, coups, subversions of elected governments, weapons and drug smuggling on the black market in order to help finance secret wars, there was one unifying strand:

Mr. Bob Hope.

When Bob Hope hit a war zone stage, a fighting man knew that America cared enough to send the very best in entertainment: Lola Falana, Joey Heatherton, Johnny Bench, Anita Bryant, Yakov Smirnoff, Brooke Shields. Sadly, all our boys get today are Al Franken and Colin Quinn.

Not quite the same, is it?

That's why, with the help of CryoPreserve Inc. and the good people at NASA, we are proud to announce the triumphant return of Bob Hope!!

Now, this show, set to take place in Baghdad's Green Zone on Thanksgiving (and taped for broadcast on NBC a week later), will be a little different. See, Bob was cryogenically frozen in 2003 and, frankly, without his custom-designed freezer (set at a comfortable -120°C)

Bob would simply fall apart. Literally. I mean, the guy would be three minutes into his act before the first body part dropped off. So, Bob will have to stay in his freezer while onstage. And of course, Bob will remain unconscious. There's no way he could physically operate in that sub-zero environment. But despite these limitations, we've found a way to bring Bob's unique humor to a new generation of warriors!

Audio tapes of Bob's previous shows in Korea, Vietnam, the Dominican Republic and Saudi Arabia will be edited and revised by veteran gag writers Sol Manklebaum and Izzy Blitzstein to include topical references and fresh jokes, fleshed out with the vocal talents of master impressionist, Mr. Fred Travalena! Here are a few samples:

*"Hey, it's great to be in [Baghdad]. You know why they call it [Baghdad] don't ya? The only way [the dads here] can [make it with the moms] is to [put a bag over the dads' heads] so they [don't have to look] at [the moms' faces]!"

*"Speaking of [car bombs], the other day I asked my cabbie the fastest way to [Paradise] and he said 'Drive two miles straight ahead, take the first left, then [detonate a large amount of potassium chlorate]. You can't miss it.'"

*"And fellas, just to give you a taste of what you're fighting for, I've brought along with me the beautiful and talented Miss [Jessica Simpson]! Grrrrowwllll! Yeah, [Jessica]'s a real classy lady! I've never seen a nicer [pair of Fallujas on a] gal!"

*"How 'bout that [Zarqawi] character, huh? He's one tough [terror mastermind]. I'll tell ya, if you work for him, you better watch your [throat]!"

*"They say that [the Humvee] is a stylish [High-Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle]. Where I come from, they call a [light tactical transport] like that 'Sir.'"

*"I'm not sayin' that [Abu Ghraib] is bad, but last night I saw a [hooded prisoner] light his [holding cell] using [the electrodes on his body]!"

And that's just the monologue!

Yes, Bob Hope is back and has his new act down "cold"! You'll be "frozen" with laughter! So join Bob, his freezer, and his special guests, Jessica Simpson, Travis Tritt, and the Philadelphia Eagle cheerleaders for a Thanksgiving feast that will provide a bounty . . . of patriotic smiles!

"Hope's Chillin'" will air December 2 at 8 PM on NBC.

"Hi, this is Bob [Highway of Death] Hope, inviting you to [blow up] the town with me and my guests. I haven't had this much fun since [Bill O'Reilly] put [falafel] in my [kevlar]."